Marking the end of the school year/beginning of summer/Steve’s first Father’s Day/just because I feel like it 🙂 Stay tuned to @carolpsu on Instagram for a fun “everything but the kitchen sink” giveaway! I will be sharing the post later this week. I hope everyone is having a great week! The school year is winding down and I know it has been a taxing one. I have been out on maternity leave since February and it feels like a millions years ago since I was in the building. I pray for everyone’s safety and sanity as we finish out school year 2022-2023!
Consistency June 3, 2023
One of my top traits. I know when I keep showing up, the “good stuff” happens. What I put in, is what I get out of anything. I have the ability to stay razor-sharp focused on something I really want. And then there are the times when I put in minimal effort and things move in my favor as well.
I love teaching. It is something I am really, really good at. It has taken me years to get really comfortable with the craft of teaching. The students I currently teach (when I am not on maternity leave) are a really fun group! They have all different cultural backgrounds and learning styles. They also take a solid 5-7 years to learn English. I have them (in theory-they want to learn, they have a connection to me, etc.) three years if they come in to our school in 6th grade. If not, I do the best I can with what they are willing to give me.
Fitness. I love being active. For a long time I had the schedule of waking up, working out, going to school, and when I got home I would work out again. That schedule has diminished. There are times I wish I still had that drive to workout all the time. There are times I am sad Robin doesn’t get to go for a walk because it is raining or Sal is crying or I just don’t have the energy or patience for it. There are times I just don’t want to pick up a weight or move or really do much of anything. Lack of sleep, “when do I pump again?”, “when does Sal eat again?”, “I don’t think I ate enough to do this workout.” are all factors and things I have said to myself the past few months. But, I move a little every day. A walk, some reps with heavier weights, many reps with no weight or Sal, dancing with Sal, and lots of stretching/mobility work. My body is not the same as it was before Sal. My life is not the same as it was before Sal. When I got Robin, I knew she was going to be a major commitment and I would be her only provider of care. The choices I made every day would determine what kind of dog she was. Every day I would walk Robin, sometimes in the rain-which is not fun but I did it anyway. I took her to classes for Canine Good Citizenship and Pet Therapy, because I knew she could benefit from some training and also because she is a very sweet dog and I wanted to share her with others as a source of comfort. My fitness level may not be where it once was yet or maybe again. I am honestly not sure yet. I do know I put in the effort that I can. I continue to show up for myself and make the best choices I can because I have two fitness buddies that are watching what I do and how I show up for myself.
Rejuvenation May 29, 2023
What a year it has been. Hard to believe the last post I had was my summer bootcamp calendar from last year. Bootcamp had a great summer and I began teaching classes in person at Pepper Farm Wellness. Things have been going very well there! Our classes are once a month and I am able to add a mediation class as well. So fun and I love what Pepper Farm does for the community! I also got engaged in August 2022. Steve and I went to Florida, stayed at his parents’ house and also went to Disney. He asked me in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and quite a few witnesses! It was a great trip and we have been taking things one day at a time since…as we have welcomed a baby boy into our lives as well. I had Sal in February and he has been delightful. I have taken an extended leave from school to do all things with him and it has been great! I am so thankful for this time and being able to watch him grow! Currently he is three months old and is turning into more and more of a kid! He loves talking to me and playing on the floor. I am excited to begin solid foods with him as well. He loves going for walks and drives. We have been to church a few times and he loves it there too. He loves visiting with family and makes everyone smile who meets him.
Rejuvenation is the topic of our yoga sessions the next few months. I have felt completely rejuvenated teaching yoga since giving birth. I have been very fortunate to be able to workout my entire pregnancy, and had to take only a few weeks off before getting long walks in again and some weight training too. I am learning to trust my body and not rush into “getting back into shape”. I am not the same person I was before giving birth and my body is not the same either. There are different demands placed on me now. Lack of sleep, continual feedings and pumping, and having to watch every move a baby makes take lots of energy. I am thankful to continue with my love of whole foods and movement in general during this time. I know in time we will be running around and riding bikes and I will hear Sal saying, “Momma, wait for me.” And I will probably burst into tears. Tears of happiness and being overwhelmed that someone who has suffered so much loss can experience new life and have their spirit fully rejuvenated. I pray every day for Sal’s spirit to be protected and that he remains happy and unchanged by this hard world. I pray he does not become hardened but rather more compassionate for the things that make him angry or break his heart. I pray he knows I am always here for him to talk to and hang out with. I will listen without judgement and apply the best first hand advice when he asks for it. It is amazing that out of so much loss, hopelessness, and despair something so amazing can come to the surface and thrive. Sal, you are loved so very much and I am so thankful that I was chosen to be your momma.
Loss October 24, 2021
Heartbreak
Grief
Sadness
Pain
Emptiness
Hole-in-the-heart
Will the pain ever go away?
What do you find in the emptiness?
What do you learn from the ache?
Are you able to keep your heart open even though there is a crack in it?
In this space, can you keep your heart open? Can you stay grounded? Can you trust that you are right where you are supposed to be doing what you are supposed to be doing?
In time, can you let the pain ease away to let new love in?
Can you appreciate the happiness when you do feel it and trust that you deserve all the goodness this life has to offer?
Peace
Joy
Richness
Full, happy heart
What if… July 21, 2021
I never ended my marriage?
I never gave the ring back?
I never had a miscarriage or two?
I quite my job five years ago?
my dad were still alive?
I didn’t obsess over the next move before making it?
I didn’t love so hard?
I wasn’t the person I am today?
I trusted that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing?
I turned it all over to God?
I moved with intention and purpose?
I opened my heart freely, widely?
suffering led to ultimate happiness?
I appreciated the bad days as much as the good?
I just sat in moments and breathed and didn’t let things spin out of control?
Perception and reception July 7, 2021
This past weekend I had the pleasure of stopping by a venue I am interested in for a spring wellness retreat. It is a brand new facility in Delaware, which I am super excited about. Typically retreats are held many miles from home and it will be nice to have access to a space so close. As I was walking with one of the venue specialists, we started chatting about the way people perceive information and I started thinking about how it exactly ties into asteya, which we are currently practicing in yoga this week. Asteya is nonstealing, not stealing time from others, not stealing your own happiness by comparing your experience to another’s, and learning to live in the present moment not rushing things. During our conversation, we chatted about how many other venues there are in the area and a concern about competition. I offered a phrase that I heard at the yoga studio, “There is enough for everyone.” People will want to book at this venue because of what it has to offer. I continued with ” There are a lot of yoga studios and gyms. People will work with me because of what I have to offer, which is different than other facilities.” We continued our tour and I am so thankful for this space so close to home. I am praying things work out and I am able to offer another retreat here in the spring.
I will offer this challenge to you this day: Are you able to receive information just as it is? Are you able to let go of preconceived notions, or the thought that there is some manipulation or ulterior motive behind what is shared or said? I am a firm believer in people receiving information based on past experiences. For example someone can call me a bitch and it doesn’t phase me. I know I am not a bitch, unless my actions showed otherwise-in that case, yes it would be a true statement. Largely, I am a very levelheaded individual so that type of comment would not be warranted nor would it phase me, especially when we consider the source. However, there are some people that if they were called a bitch, would become unglued. Why? It is the background information they associate with that word or a past experience they have using that word or being called that. People receive information from the point in which they are at.
Throughout the day as a teacher, I have thousands of interactions with students and staff. I cannot control what they went through, who said what, or any other factor they had prior to our interaction-unless I was directly involved in it. Besides the issue in the present, the other “stuff” have nothing to do with me. Often times being kind, a good listener, levelheaded, or “nice” people think they can take advantage of me. I do tend to just listen to people when they share things and do not offer guidance or advice unless they are asking for it. I also do not judge. I am far from perfect and do not want to be so I offer a ton of grace to people and am very capable of seeing situations through their eyes.
How does your perception of a situation cause you to receive information? I would love for you to share your experience with this concept. I wish you love, light, peace, happiness, and joy as you go throughout your day, namaste.
The People We Meet July 5, 2021
Throughout my life I have met some really interesting people. People with incredible stories to tell. Some of heartache, some of intense joy, some of pain, and some people who really need help beyond the support of a “good listener.”
Universal truths are something we discuss during Yoga Teacher Training. Everyone feels every emotion at some point, bringing all people together. We have experienced the pain from a breakup or other loss. We have experienced the joy in meeting a new friend or starting a new job. We have all experienced hope when things were not looking like they work in our favor.
I am convinced that we meet everyone we meet at the right time we are to meet them. Everyone we meet has something to teach us about ourselves, life, or a pain that we carry. The pockets of hurt and anger come to the surface when we speak with people and experience life with them or through their eyes. I am a very fortunate individual to have had an extremely happy childhood. I am amazed at how my parents were able to provide all they did for my sister and I on very limited incomes. We had no wants and were able to take summer vacations every summer. We took hours of dance lessons and thousands were spent on costumes that now sit in a chest in my attic. My mom worked as a secretary for a number of years before being laid off and ultimately retiring. My dad had a great job with a company that was bought out by a company in Portland, OR. My dad was faced with the challenge of continuing to raise his family or relocate to the west coast. I often think about how different my life would be had we moved when I was in 5th grade. Instead my dad chose to persevere and raise us close to both sets of grandparents and my aunts and uncles.
My dad hated every job he worked at after leaving his company. I watched my dad work factory job after job. I watched my dad work shift work. I watched my dad work swing shifts as a punishment for taking off for my wedding in 2005. I do not remember my dad having anything nice to say about the people he worked with. He went to work, did his job, and left. Day in and day out. He hated every moment he was there. In 2016. my dad suffered a massive heart attack at work. His coworkers worked for 30 minutes to save him. He was resuscitated twice and ultimately let go before he arrived at the hospital. He was 64 when he died. The first thing I did was calculate how much time I had left to live since I am a carbon copy of my dad-27 years. At his funeral, I did not shed a tear. Everyone was so concerned that I was “holding it in” and “being strong for my mother.” No. I was elated for my dad that he no longer had to work a job he hated. Yes, he would not be physically with me. He is with me every single day, protecting me and watching over me. I know it. I feel it so very much.
At the time of my dad’s death, I was in the process of divorcing my ex-husband. My family loves my ex-husband. He was a pallbearer at my dad’s funeral, my sister named her first-born child after him, and really not many people knew we were divorcing at the time of my dad’s death. My sister decided to stop talking to me when she found out I was divorcing my ex-husband and did not speak with me for a year and a half. I met my second nephew at my dad’s funeral, who was 6 months old. James is my buddy today and I am forever grateful my sister starting talking to me again after numerous attempts and lots of forgiveness on my part. That pain is forever with me. Just like the pain of my dad’s death and the pain of the two miscarriages I had while married to my ex-husband.
During the time of all my heartache, I worked at a gym called Body and Soul. That place was my refuge. That place was my sanctuary. I worked with great staff and trained some awesome people. I met people from all kinds of backgrounds and people who loved and accepted me during my time of hurt. I cherish the people I met during this time and am grateful for the friendships I made. It was a very dark time and my time at the gym is definitely what got me through it. Dating during this time was interesting. I “dated” a guy I met at the gym. I am not sure you could call it dating as we hung out when it was conducive to his schedule. He had great perspective on life which is why I liked hanging out with him. He spent 10 years in prison and often our talks were about family and how your people and your places shaped your character and determined the choices you would make. That is some advice I share with my students today even though I don’t have contact with that person any longer. He also suffered the death of a parent, his mom, at a very young age so he understood that pain of mine too.
Online dating. Holy shit. What a cluster that is. Talk about meeting some interesting people. I have dated people that are broken. People that will never forgive anyone and carry that pain with them. I have met people with tons of emotional baggage and some really nice people too. In 2018 I met a guy who was separated from his ex-wife. I initially wished him well as I had no interest in dating anyone who had not cut ties to his ex. I had no interest in being an option or someone to just hang out with until he had his life put back together. I did offer to chat with him as I understood the divorce process and what it is like to be with someone a really long time and then just not. We started dating after assuring me that he was not going to get back with his ex-wife and eventually got engaged in 2019. We split in 2020 after way too many times of trying to fix things and him really not knowing what he wanted. I had left working at the gym to date him and try to connect with his children who at the time were in 8th and 10th grade and playing sports-their games were on nights that I trained at the gym. I did get hired at the Y and the yoga studio, and became very active in the church near his house. I am extremely grateful for those opportunities as I met some very good people, some of which I am very close to today.
During my split from him, I discovered the feeling of reciprocated love for the first time. Love for me has always been a push, pull feeling. The feeling of one of us on one page, the other on a totally separate page. Always. This is what I know love with a partner to be. I am trying to catch up with the other person, slow the other person down, or figure out where the hell I went because I thought I was on the same page. Reciprocated love-equal feeling, total balance, push and pull at the same time. And I found that on my yoga mat. I found it at the yoga studio, Shakti. The owner was the primary teacher at the time and led us through vinyasa flows and always had the perfect messages I needed to hear. Eventually she needed a larger space, more instructors, and I found even more of that reciprocated feeling. After I went through Yoga Teacher Training, this is the studio I was hired, in addition to the Y. Sadly, the pandemic hit, and I loss my job at the Y, ended my engagement, but kept my yoga practice. I also started dating a contractor who helped me paint my house for a fresh start. I also converted my garage into a yoga studio and was able to offer some in person classes before all of them went to ZOOM.
The contractor is one of those broken people I mentioned. An addict. Someone who came into my life, who knew about chakras, and could make anything out of a paper bag, a pencil, and a match. Impressive to watch. But, someone who also had major trust issues and accused me of some ludicrous things that I just could not wrap my head around. He went on to contact me all hours of the day for three months after we split. I do pray he is doing well and more importantly that he got the help he needs. I am thankful for the work he did around my house. This is not the forever home, but I am more comfortable leading classes with fresh paint on the walls and a yoga studio in my garage.
A teacher. Again, dating someone is not really sure of what they want…no good for me. I am not interested in being someone’s buddy or “your dude.” We went to a state park I had not been to about a month after we have been dating and I fell, hit my head, and smacked my wrist pretty good. He ended up taking me to the ER to get checked out. Not a banner day for me by any means, but I am grateful for the kindness he showed me and that he did appear to really care. We ended things because his son was not ready for his dad or mom to date. Interesting…with a new profile pic with him and some chick in it…Again I wish him well and that he is able to find what it is he is looking for.
Steve. I thought a lot of healing happened when I started dating my ex-fiance. It turns out when you really love someone, those pockets of anger and hurt come to the surface. Why? It is to let love in. The yin and yang. Hurt, pain, anger, sorrow…heal, love, joy, happiness. Slow and steady. And I have lost track of how many times I thought we were on the same page and no…not even close. So I breathe and pause. I stop and just be. There is so much love in his family. There is a lot of happiness and some sorrow but that is the ebb and flow of life. I do not know what the future holds. I do know I am on the right path laid out before me because there is so much good that is my life. Life is meant to flow. We are not meant to be stuck. He has come to PA to meet my family. This is huge because it is a major time commitment. PA is not right around the corner. I also do not let anyone near my family unless I really care about them. I am very protective of who I let into that space.
The pain I felt after my divorce of having to go to family functions on my own or drive to PA alone sucks. It really sucks. But, what sucks even more is being in a relationship where I am taken advantage of or not even shown kindness. The pain I have of my miscarriages hurts. I do not think that pain will heal fully. I do not think that hurt will go away. I love my students. They know they can count on me for anything. They continue to email me throughout the summer all hours of the day. I love my pup, Robin-who shares the same name as my dad. This is the name the breeder gave her and it is the sole reason I chose her. The pain I felt when my sister turned her back on me hurt more than my dad’s death. My dad’s was dead. My sister was not. She was very much alive. Making a choice not to speak to me. The results of her actions made me much more compassionate. I became a much better listener, realizing that everyone has a story and that they just want to be heard. I stopped giving advice and staring asking people what they needed from me when they shared their story. I have begun listening to what I am learning in the spaces of pain. Why do I feel sad when I am apart from Steve? Why do I get emotional when I hang out with his family? Why do I get emotional when someone announces they are pregnant? Why do I want to console anyone going through a divorce, death, or miscarriage even if I don’t know them? Love, that is what we need in those spaces and what we are missing it times of grieving. It is the opposite of those pains. I do wish everyone who stops by to read this love, happiness, peace, and joy.
Summer Season 2021 June 29, 2021
This season, I am happy to be able to provide small group training via zoom as well as in person.
Monday-Thursday 8AM bootcamp workouts! Monday and Wednesday are cardio days and Tuesday and Thursday are strength days. All workouts are easily modified and no equipment is required. I have a waiver, ZOOM link, and Venmo account info for you.
Monday and Wednesday 5:30 PM yoga and meditation. Classes are held in person as well as on ZOOM. I have a waiver, ZOOM link, and Venmo account info for you.
October 15-16, 2021 Confidently Fit LLC will be hosting its first wellness retreat at the Good Earth Market in Ocean View, DE. I am so thankful to provide this retreat to support an overall healthy lifestyle. Yoga, bootcamp, journaling, essential oils, meditation, dinner, overnight accommodations, and breakfast are all included.
I also have space for personal training for those who are not able to attend live or zoom classes. I have openings for meal planning and prep as well. Please reach out today for the support you have been looking for as you making lasting changes to a healthy lifestyle.
Save the Date June 16, 2021
Oct. 15th-Oct. 16th 2021 Confidently Fit LLC will be hosting its first wellness retreat. I am very excited and grateful to be able to offer this opportunity.
Where: Good Earth Market, Ocean View, DE
What to expect: Dinner Friday night, yoga meditation, journaling, overnight accommodations, breakfast Saturday, bootcamp workout, yoga, meditation and journaling.
More details to follow.
This retreat is just another sign that I am right where I am supposed to be doing what I am supposed to be doing and I could not be more thankful for all the steps it took for me to get here. All the nos, all the rejections, people who have turned their back on me or told me no….thank you. Thank you to those of you who stood by me. Thank you to those of you who got me to this moment. I could not be happier, healthier or more determined to live a purposed-filled life.
Our summer schedule continues:
Monday-Thursday 8AM bootcamp at the marina in Federalsburg.
Monday and Wednesday 5:30PM yoga at my house or through ZOOM.
All classes $5
I have a few spots open for personal training as well.
Thank you for all the love and support. See you soon! Namaste.
carolsmusingsdotcom 